The importance of self-compassion for healthy, happy women

Why developing the habit of self-compassion rather than self-criticism, can be a revelation in supporting a healthy and happy life.

Do you have someone in your life who constantly criticises you? Someone who berates you for not achieving goals, who sees the negative in how you look, think and react? Someone who challenges your self-worth? Or cuts you down when you make mistakes or wrong turns?

If you had a “friend” like this, chances are you probably wouldn’t be friends for very long.

But for many, that frenemy is actually the voice of their own inner-critic. People can treat themselves incredibly harshly and speak to themselves in ways that they would never speak to a friend.

So why does this happen?

It might be simply the development of a life-long habit, because you have never really brought a conscious awareness to this process.

Or perhaps it is because no one else is listening to your inner monologue, you don’t feel the need to censor yourself.

The inner-critic might surface when the rest of your life is a heaving whirl of busy-ness, and being hard on yourself is a way to just get things done.

Or it might be the notion that brutal “truths” might be a good motivator for change.

However, if you are feeling like there are areas of your life that you would like to improve, or things that you would like to achieve, taking the role of your own worst enemy is not the answer. It is detrimental to your wellbeing, does not motivate change, it impacts your interactions with others, and has a negative impact on your emotional resilience.

This is where developing the habit of self-compassion, rather than self-criticism, can be a revelation in supporting a healthy and happy life.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion, in its simplest form, is treating yourself with the same love and compassion that you would treat a good friend.

Self-compassion has three elements:

1. Self-kindness– being kind, understanding and loving to yourself when things are going wrong; treating yourself as you would a good friend in the same situation.

2. Common humanity– understanding that you are not alone in your suffering. Everyone suffers, makes mistakes or fails sometimes, and this is the common experience of life. No one is meant to be perfect!

3. Mindfulness– bringing a mindful awareness to whatever is happening in your life – not repressing it and soldiering on, but equally not amplifying the experience either.

So why is self-compassion useful in living a healthy, happy life?

I hear you thinking – obviously, it is better to be nicer to yourself! But self-compassion versus self-criticism runs far deeper than that. It strikes at the heart of why we motivate ourselves to behave in certain ways, and what gives us the courage and determination to create new habits for our own wellbeing.

For example, if you are looking to lose weight because you tell yourself that you are too fat, or you hate the way you look in your clothes, or you think you are undesirable to a partner, this is NOT the recipe for success. Trying to lay the foundations for change in your own unworthiness, or because you think you are unacceptable as you are will not work. This is because when the inevitable obstacles, mistakes or failures occur (which is what happens in life when real stuff crops up that can create barriers for us… see “Common Humanity” above), this reinforces those negative feelings and the messages from your inner-critic.

However, if your desire for developing a healthier life, or a happier family, or whatever it is that you want to do comes from a place of deep respect for yourself and your own worthiness – well that is a game-changer. This is the juicy stuff, the moment where things can “click”; habits can form; and those obstacles, mistakes or failures which will still happen, can be overcome or moved on from more easily.

Developing a practice of self-compassion requires just that – practice. There are different exercises you can try to begin to change your habitual thought processes about yourself, some somatic techniques you can do, and some guided meditations that you can listen to, to support changing these automatic thinking processes that you might engage in.

In the meantime, one example that you can start with today is being aware or mindful in those times when your inner-critic gives you some negative feedback. If you are someone who has an active inner-critic, and you are mindful of these thoughts throughout the day, you might be surprised how many times this occurs.

Once you aware of your inner-critic, one response is to use a soothing touch on yourself, which stimulates the production of oxytocin in your body (the feel-good hormone), soothes emotions, and reduces stress. This can be as simple as placing one or two hands on your heart, feeling their warmth, and taking several deep and satisfying breaths. If this feels a bit awkward you could simply cross your arms across your body and give yourself a gentle squeeze, like a secret hug for yourself. In the same way that your body responds to your inner-critic by activating its stress response, providing yourself with a soothing touch can help to reverse this process and restore your equilibrium.

Changing your mindset to one of self-compassion is the cornerstone of positive change. It won’t happen overnight – developing self-compassion can require the reversal of a longstanding habit – but with time and practice, you can give your inner-critic a back seat and bring your best friend into the front row.

Hilary xx

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Want to learn more? Join me on Sunday, 2 April 2023 for an afternoon workshop on "Self-Compassion for Busy Women", and dive into self-compassion, a powerful source of resilience, coping and growth. Learn about both fierce (action-based) and tender self-compassion, and try practical techniques, meditation and yoga that you can incorporate into your week. Small acts that can make a big difference! Take some time out that is just for you, and leave with ideas to transform your relationship with yourself to help you thrive and enjoy life, even in the busiest seasons. Click HERE to book your ticket today. xx

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